How to Apologise to Your Partner Without Making It Worse

To apologise to your partner well, say what you did, say how it affected them, take responsibility with no "but", and tell them what you will do differently. Keep your side of the story for later. Research supports this order: when 755 people rated written apologies from a job candidate, admitting fault counted most, offering to fix things came second, and asking for forgiveness counted least.

Most of us know the apology that starts a second argument. "I'm sorry, but you also..." Ten minutes later you are both defending yourselves, and the thing that hurt in the first place is still there.

Why do some apologies make things worse?

A research review by psychologist Karina Schumann describes high-quality apologies as extremely effective at helping people make up. It also notes that people often give a quick, half-hearted apology instead, hold one back, or get defensive (Schumann, 2018).

The review suggests three reasons. We care less about the other person or the relationship in that moment. We feel that apologising makes us look bad. Or we think the apology will not help anyway.

The middle reason is the one most couples will recognise. When you feel accused, admitting fault can feel like admitting you are a bad partner. So you defend yourself, and the defence comes out inside the apology.

You can hear it in the common versions:

• "I'm sorry you feel that way." This apologises for their feelings and leaves out what you did.
• "I'm sorry, but you started it." Everything after the "but" cancels what came before it.
• "Sorry lah, okay? Can we stop now?" This is an attempt to end the conversation more than to fix anything.
• "Sorry. And by the way, last week you..." Now you are both defending yourselves.

Most of us have said at least one of these. They come from feeling defensive, and they are easy to fix once you hear yourself saying them.

What makes an apology work?

Researchers from Ohio State University and Eastern Kentucky University tested six parts of an apology on 755 people across two experiments (Lewicki, Polin and Lount, 2016). The six parts were:

1. Saying you regret it
2. Explaining what went wrong
3. Admitting it was your fault
4. Saying you will not do it again
5. Offering to fix it
6. Asking for forgiveness

Apologies with more of these parts were rated as more effective. They did not count equally, though. According to the lead author, admitting it was your fault mattered most, and offering to fix it came second. Regret, an explanation and a promise not to repeat it came in roughly tied for third. Asking for forgiveness mattered least (Ohio State News, 2016).

One caution: people in these studies rated written apologies from a job candidate in a work scenario, not apologies from a partner. The lead author also noted that tone, eye contact and sincerity may matter a lot in an apology said face to face.

Apologies are also linked to being forgiven. A meta-analysis of 175 studies with 26,006 participants found that apology was one of the factors most clearly linked to forgiveness (r = .42), along with empathy for the person who did the harm and less anger (Fehr, Gelfand and Nag, 2010). The finding is a link, so it cannot promise that your apology will be accepted.

How do you say sorry to your partner?

Put the research together and you get a simple order. Here it is with one example running through it: you were on your phone while your partner told you about a hard day with their mum.

1. Say what you did, in plain words

"Last night I kept checking my phone while you were telling me about your mum."

Be specific. "Sorry for everything" or "sorry for last night" makes your partner guess what you think you did wrong.

2. Say how it affected them

"That probably made you feel like what you were saying didn't matter to me."

You are showing that you understand why it hurt. If you are not sure, ask: "Did it feel like I wasn't listening?"

3. Own it, with no "but"

"That was my fault."

The research put this part first. Keep the sentence short. If an explanation is needed, give it later and keep it brief: "I was waiting on a work message. That is still no excuse."

4. Say what you will do differently, then do it

"When we talk at night, my phone stays in the other room."

Here you offer to fix things, the second most important part in the research. Choose something small enough that you will really do it.

5. Leave forgiveness to them

You can say "I hope you can forgive me," or you can leave it out. Asking for forgiveness counted least in the research, and pressing for it ("so are we okay now?") puts the work back on the person you hurt.

What if you were both hurt?

Many apologies go wrong here. You did something wrong, and they also did something that hurt you. If you put both in the same sentence, the apology turns into a debate.

Clinical frameworks from therapists such as Terry Real and Harriet Lerner hold that an apology is easier to accept when it names your own behaviour and its effect before any explanation or counter-complaint. Two true things can be said one after the other instead of at once. First: "What I did was wrong." Later, in a separate conversation: "I was also hurt by something, and I want to talk about it."

Apologise for what you did first. Your side of the story can wait for its own conversation.

It also helps to split what happened from what you think it meant. "You were late to dinner" is what happened. "You don't care about me" is the meaning you took from it. When you bring up your side, start with what happened. We wrote more about how the same words can carry a second message in your partner hears two conversations at once.

Words and actions

When sorry is shown with actions

Some of us grew up in families where nobody said sorry out loud. After a fight, someone cut a plate of fruit and put it on the table, or cooked your favourite dish, and that was the apology.

Actions count. In the research, offering to fix things came second. But the plate of fruit leaves out the part that counted most: saying it was your fault. If your partner grew up hearing "I'm sorry, I was wrong" and you grew up with fruit, you may each be apologising in a way the other person does not fully see.

Talk about it at a calm moment. Ask each other: "When I get something wrong, what helps you more, hearing me say it or seeing me fix it?" Then do both.

If the two of you mix languages, apologise in the language you mean it in. A sorry in your own words is easier to believe than a polished one that does not sound like you.

What if your partner doesn't accept your apology?

Sometimes you apologise well and it still does not land. One study followed 60 married or living-together couples through daily diaries. Apologies predicted forgiveness only for people who were highly satisfied with their relationship. People who were more satisfied also rated their partner's apologies as more sincere, and that sense of sincerity predicted forgiveness (Schumann, 2012).

So if things have been tense between you for a while, a sorry may not sound sincere to your partner yet. Then what you do over the next few weeks matters more than what you say tonight.

A few things help:

• Don't demand forgiveness. "I already said sorry, what more do you want?" undoes the apology.
• Give it time. Your partner can accept your apology and still feel upset for a while.
• Take a break if it gets heated. The Gottman Institute suggests that if either of you feels flooded, take a 20 to 30 minute break to calm down alone, then come back to the conversation (The Gottman Institute). The institute says about 20 minutes is usually enough to calm down and come back (The Gottman Institute).
• Keep the promise you made. The phone stays in the other room next week too.

The Gottman Institute describes a repair attempt as a small move that stops a tense moment from getting worse, such as telling your partner "You're right." Owning your part can work the same way, though it only helps if your partner is ready to accept it. Our article on why couples who communicate well aren't necessarily better at talking covers repair in more detail. And if your short temper came from a bad week at work, see how to support a stressed partner.

When sorry is needed for the same thing again and again

An apology includes a promise to change. If the same apology keeps coming back for the same thing, the promise is not being kept.

The Ohio State study points the same way. In both experiments, 50% of participants read that the job candidate had made the mistake on purpose, and the rest read that he simply did not know the rules. People were less willing to accept the apology for the deliberate mistake (Ohio State News, 2016).

An apology also does not make cruelty, control, threats or violence acceptable. If your partner keeps apologising for hurting or scaring you and nothing changes, that is a different problem and it deserves real help, from a counsellor or someone you trust.

Apologising to your partner: common questions