How to Bring Up Sex Toys With Your Partner Without It Feeling Awkward

Bring it up at a calm moment outside the bedroom, and say it as something you want to try together. Tell your partner what you would like, ask what they think, and accept "maybe later" as a fair answer. Then choose a small first toy together instead of buying one as a surprise.

The awkward part is usually the wording of the question, so most of this guide is about wording. It is also a more ordinary question than it feels. You are very far from the first person to ask it.

Do couples actually use sex toys?

Yes, in large numbers, at least where researchers have measured it. A nationally representative US survey of 2,056 women aged 18 to 60 found that 52.5% had used a vibrator (Herbenick et al., 2009). A matching survey of 1,047 US men found that 44.8% had used a vibrator in solo or partnered sex at some point in their lives (Reece et al., 2009).

Both surveys are American and were published in 2009 (the men's data was collected in 2008). We could not find a comparable study of vibrator use in Malaysia, so they cannot tell you what Malaysian couples do. They do show that this is a common question wherever people have been asked about it.

There is also a plain physical reason couples try toys. In a 2015 US survey of 1,055 women aged 18 to 94, 18.4% said intercourse alone was enough for orgasm. 36.6% said they needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse, and another 36% said they did not need it but it made their orgasms feel better (Herbenick et al., 2018). A small external vibrator is one simple way to add that stimulation during sex.

US surveys published in 2009 and 2018. We could not find a comparable study of vibrator use in Malaysia.

What should you think about before you bring it up?

Two things: why you want it, and when you ask.

Why. Be honest with yourself about the reason. "I am curious," "I want to try something new with you" and "I want more clitoral stimulation during sex" are all good reasons, and you can say each of them out loud. Each one is about adding something you might both enjoy.

A harder reason sounds like "we barely have sex anymore and I want to fix it." A toy is not a fix for a sex life that has stalled because of rejection, resentment or very different desire levels. In a study of 229 people in long-term relationships, those who dealt with mismatched desire through strategies involving their partner, such as talking with them about it, reported higher sexual and relationship satisfaction than those who handled it alone. These strategies were not linked to higher desire, and the study shows a link, not cause (Vowels and Mark, 2020). If that is the real issue, talk about that first. We wrote about it in what is actually going on when sexual desire fades in a long-term relationship.

When. Pick a calm, private moment with your clothes on. A drive, a walk or a slow evening at home all work. Avoid asking in the middle of sex, straight after an argument, or right after your partner has said "not tonight." At those moments the question can sound like a complaint.

How do you actually say it?

Start softly. The Gottman Institute's advice for hard conversations is to describe the situation without blame, say how you feel, and ask for what you want (The Gottman Institute). It was written for arguments. The same three steps fit a slightly embarrassing request.

Say the positive version of what you want. "I would love to try this with you" gives your partner something to say yes to. "You never want to try anything new" gives them something to defend.

Then ask a question and stop talking. "What do you think?" or "Is that something you would ever want to try?" Let them answer before you add reasons.

Your partner may also react to a different question from the one you asked. People often hear a second message under the words, about the relationship or about themselves. The linguist Deborah Tannen calls these metamessages (Deborah Tannen). "Want to try a toy?" can be heard as "you are not enough." If the reaction seems bigger than the question, that second message is often the reason. We wrote more about it in your partner hears two conversations at once.

What if my partner feels replaced?

Feeling replaced is the fear that usually sits under a quick "no," even when nobody says it out loud.

Say the reassurance plainly: the toy is for the two of you, and your partner is still the person you want. Then hand over some control. Let them choose it, hold it, or decide when it comes out.

The research here is small. In one study, 49 men in heterosexual relationships used a couples' vibrator with their partner over six weeks and then described the experience in their own words. Their answers grouped into four themes: physical pleasure, awareness of their partner's experience, novelty and variety, and intimacy. The men tied their own pleasure to their partner's pleasure (Watson et al., 2016). Forty-nine men cannot predict how your partner will feel. For the men in that study, the toy was something they shared with their partner.

If your partner is a woman, the same worry can sound like "Am I not doing enough?" The 2018 survey above helps here: about 1 in 3 women in it (36.6%) said they needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. A toy is simply a tool that provides it.

Ask with curiosity instead of arguing. "What part of it feels strange to you?" invites a real answer. "It's not a big deal" usually ends the conversation there. Esther Perel's view is similar: asking how someone came to see it their way can help you understand their experience and still leaves room to disagree (Esther Perel).

What if they say no?

Then the answer is no, for now. Saying yes has to be your partner's free choice. Pushing makes the idea harder for them to feel relaxed about later, and it is unfair to them.

What is a good first toy for couples?

Choose it together. Looking at options side by side on one phone makes the decision something you do as a pair, and it answers "what would we even buy?" before that turns into a worry.

For the first time you use one, read how to use a vibrator. For a short list to start from, see the best beginner vibrators in Malaysia. If buying it feels like the harder part, we covered the law in are adult toys legal in Malaysia? and discreet shopping in where to buy adult toys in Malaysia.

Bringing up sex toys: common questions